Remember that our goal here is to deny the old and accept the new. In this case, the old you would deny is the idea of a purposeless existence, a universe with no divine order, a life in which you are at the mercy of fate. The new idea you are asked to accept is that existence is purposeful, that the universe exists in divine order, and that your life is part of that divine design.
A Course of Love D2.1
America is sometimes known as the “New World”, and my journey here indeed seems symbolical of a change from the old to the new. As I was driving around in Phoenix with Elizabeth the other day, Dvorak’s “New World” symphony played on the radio.
I spent a fabulous five days with Elizabeth, and the timing was ideal. During the conference, when I bought a new SIM card, my credit card was declined. I had forgotten to let the bank know that I was coming to the USA. I sent e-mails, but the bank did not reply. Upon phoning them from the hotel room, I was asked to enter my credit card number. The call center did not recognize it and asked me to enter it again. This happened twice, although I entered the correct number. And so I was stuck: I could not reach the bank.
The original plan was to go to Glenn after the conference, but I could not hire a car without a credit card. What was I going to do?
It was on the next and last day that Elizabeth offered me to come and stay with her in Phoenix. I thought it was only for one day, but then I stayed there for five days.
While with Elizabeth I tried to phone the bank again, because I simply did not receive a reply to my e-mails. Again the voice asked me for my number, and again it did not recognize it. I thought: I know it is the right number, but let me just check again. And so, with the call center on the line I walked to my room to find the card. It was dark, and I was fumbling around to find it while the voice on the phone kept repeating the request to enter my number. And then, after four or five times, I was told that I was to be transferred to an operator! If I had not had to “struggle” in the dark to find my card, I would never have realized that I could get through to an operator in this way. Once I got through to the operator, the matter was sorted out and my credit card unblocked. It was a great opportunity for acceptance! Amazing how the little things in life can be the greatest teachers.
Elizabeth’s severely diabetic neighbour came to visit. It turned out that he had read Tom Brown’s books on tracking, and I was asked to share some stories about my experiences in the African bush. Mark said something in the line of, “You don’t experience fear?”
“On the contrary,” I said. Not with animals really, but on my journey in general I have repeatedly experienced the most intense fear. Last year I posted about it on the Course of Love (ACOL) Facebook page. He seemed kind of relieved. When I told him that I “deal” with fear by deeply “entering” and feeling it, it seemed like a revelation. Elizabeth then elaborated. We experienced a Holy Instant.
Elizabeth’s mother cannot speak English, and I cannot speak French. Yet I love the language and, with Elizabeth’s help, made every effort to understand René. By the time I left I had picked up a number of words and had a deep feeling for the language. No better way to learn a new language than being immersed in it! Elizabeth had taught that way when she was a French teacher.
Elizabeth took me to Sedona, where we took a short hike in the absolutely magnificent scenery. Then we had lunch with Joe, who lives there and had been my room mate at the conference. Later she drove me around the magnificent city of Phoenix.
And then there was the food! Elizabeth is an excellent cook!
I had arranged to visit Mary and Paula on the 23rd April, and time was running out to book a flight. Mary warned me that they may already be expensive: a concern I had already had for a while. Then Elizabeth offered to book it for me using her many free miles. Once again the “problem” turned out not to be a problem at all.
It’s in all these little things that I can now feel the inner guidance. There really is nothing to be worried about, even though there seems to be…
When Elizabeth finally dropped me at the airport at 08h00 to pick up my car, which I had managed to rent at $9.00 a day, the computers were down. I had a long way to drive to Oxnard near Santa Barbara!
When I was eventually served more than an hour later later, I was told that the insurance I had taken online was effectively useless and convinced to take out a new insurance at horrendous cost (at least in South African terms). Somebody had warned me that this is what car rental companies do: they offer rental at very low prices and then catch you on the insurance. I was in a hurry to get on the road and accepted reluctantly. Then I canceled the other policy.
This proved to be yet another “excercise”. Despite my “worldly wisdom”, I have always had a tendency to be gullible. I felt I was being duped, although I did not fall for all the other things the agent was subtly trying to intimidate me into taking. And I realized that it was based on fear. I felt a bit insecure driving on the right, even though all the driving with Elizabeth had helped me get used to the American system, and felt that it would be safer to take the insurance.
I went through some emotional turmoil. As I write I feel the feelings returning. I felt I had let myself be duped because of fear. Then I had a go at myself for being fearful. Surely after all that had happened I could just trust and not take insurance? And so I chastised myself for not trusting.
And then I accepted. Right now, true to the principles of ACOL, I am just allowing myself to be with the feelings. It doesn’t help to fight the fear. And after all, what does it matter? I have received so much already, money and otherwise: something I had never anticipated. When I checked other car rental companies, I found out that my car still cost me less than it would with them. And after all, money is just money; a symbol. When the cause is “fixed”, what do the symptoms matter? It was a beautiful lesson in forgiveness: of the agent and of myself.
It is one thing I have learned over time: I do not learn to trust by fighting fear, even though A Course in Miracles and A Course of Love urge us to deny it. The difference between denial and suppression seems very subtle. I don’t quite have an answer yet, but in the meantime I just let the feelings be in presence.
Glenn had advised me not to go to Los Angeles, and yesterday I saw why. Fortunately most of it was going in the opposite direction, but I was amazed by the volume of traffic and even congestion on a Saturday afternoon! I saw the city from a distance, and that was enough!
Just a note. I had a fabulous experience with Elizabeth and René. That was because I opened myself to receive and, as a consequence, received abundantly. I would like to meet with many other people, and have already arranged to meet with some. Already I have had some hesitant responses. May I ask you please not to compare what you think you have to “offer” with what I am blogging about? My sole purpose here is to come to know my Self through sharing and dialogue with you – with who you truly are, which is Love.
I ended up not going to Los Angeles, but I had received an offer from a homeless man there to take me around. He could not offer me accommodation (which somebody else had), but he could offer who he was. I would have gladly accepted if I had not changed my plans…
And so, after spending the night in a motel in Oxnard, I am on my way to the next adventure: San Francisco, Nevada City, Yosemite National Park and who knows what else? Or maybe not …?
Filed under In the Light of Darkness